What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:59
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
Has anyone shared his wife with a friend? How was it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I waited trembling.
What was the worst spanking you got growing up?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Comes on , in middle age.
Is it possible for buyers to negotiate after an inspection if the appraisal is lower than expected?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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So whats the point in blame.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im still living with it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Put me off passion for life!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Who then, do I blame.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I write beautiful poetry .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She married twice! .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I have no regrets .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
All the time i was locked up.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But, we were locked up after school.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
(And it was in our own minds.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I don,t even have a pension.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When she asked me how she looked .
He knew the spot.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My life is so biszare .
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is soul school!.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It was going to be , some day.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i lived it daily.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was 9 years of age.
Would this be the day?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .